The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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