that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
