I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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