I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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