Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
