..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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