So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
