Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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