It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
