Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
