After last night, I could never be a politician.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
