Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize