a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
