Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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