And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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