you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
