i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
