Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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