Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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