i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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