I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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