I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
