I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
