I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wish there were birth control emojis
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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