I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
