Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
