The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
