I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
