Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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