2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
