im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
