Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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