Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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