Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize