There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
