The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize