hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
