i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
where does the pee come out of this thing
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
