Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
