I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize