Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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