Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
