Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i came on her dog
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
