Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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