If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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