Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
