there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
