What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize