I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
