I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
