i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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