hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
