He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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