Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
