Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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