went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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