I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
