ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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