Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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