im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
