I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
