FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
