She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
