Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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