He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
