Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
