im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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