she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Randomize
