I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
