even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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