Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
