Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize