I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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